Friday, January 15, 2010

confessions of a forgiven sinner

what sent my potentially perfectly good friday morning careening into the blasted abyss below like a mac truck out of control off the forest hill bridge?

was it the fact that my amazing husband had to leave just five minutes after my early morning (530am) workout routine had begun?

was it that just two minutes after that my third small blessing popped his delightful little head into my garage/playroom/gym to tell me he was awake?

perhaps it was my first small blessing who just one minute later joined him!

i lovingly (ok, not really) asked them to get back in bed and "get more rest so you can grow big and strong"...after all, it was only 5:45am!!!

maybe it was having to come in after the workout to hear all of said sweet small blessings arguing, at 625am!

after calmly(well, maybe!) asking them all to get back in bed and STAY there until the timer went off(7am), i quietly nursed my tiniest one and then began the morning routines of unloading dishes, packing lunches, making know the drill.

the timer went off, i skipped to the bedroom area of our 1000SF home and hugged each one of these rich blessing awake for the morning...committed, i was, to a GREAT day!

(as you would say, beca, it was going swimmingly!)

so what went wrong?

four screaming(out of happiness) kids, running then sliding(slippy socks they call it) through the house while brushing prob.

multiple "no's" to my "please go get your shoes on", "please go get your jacket on" prob.

"mom there is dog poop on my shoe", spoken from my oldest, while standing in our garage/playroom/gym carpeted i can hear the screeching brakes of the mac truck as it hits black ice and begins to lose control.

"stop touching me", "stop pushing me", "stop looking at me that way", "MOM, he is breathing on me"!...CRASH! SMASH! Loud explosions!!!

suddenly, i am slamming the garage door that leads into our kitchen, to separate myself from 8 small, impressionable ears.

slamming a stool into our hard wood floor while shouting (close your ears mom and dad)as loud as i can, big bad cuss words, making my throat hurt and my eyes tear up...i find myself both shocked at my behavior, wondering how i got here,
and amazed at how good it feels to let lose that way.

in my anger do not sin.

speak with respect.

keep my hands to myself.

obey right away, all the way, and with a happy heart.

be a peacemaker.

nope. nope. nope. nope.

all the family rules i repeat at least 20 times a day to my four joys, broken in 20 seconds.

"parents train your kids in the way they should go..." not quite what i accomplished this a.m.

"do what i say, not what i do"...probably a more accurate description of my parenting from 530-820am today.

ah, the sick feeling of flat faced failure so early in the morning.

it overwhelms my heart with weighty guilt, dragging me down into the miry pit of self loathing and despair.

"what can wash away my sin? nothing but the blood of Jesus! what can make me whole again? nothing but the blood of Jesus!"

AH! the sweet reminder of His work on the cross for ME! fuller, richer, more complete than any sticky pit i can possibly throw myself into. unconditionally, positively, totally, and continually FORGIVEN! me...even me!

just like those commercials showing a car accident "undoing" itself as if it never happened, God's deep mercy and forgiveness set my path straight once again, as soon as i confess my sins.

of course, unlike the silly commercial, it did all happen...there seems to be no rewind button on my life's remote control.

but i rest in the truth, HIS truth, that i am a forgiven sinner.

no matter what.

nothing spurs a mom on toward righteousness like the fragile life of a child being placed by God into her hands.

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