do over

welcome to our first day of school...take 2! (we are officially homeschoolers!)

i have spent the last several months in turmoil. i am talking about soul crushing, heavy hearted, anxiety ridden anguish. the weight of educating my sweet mess. it was smashing my very spirit. i cried nightly as i prayed to Our Great Father for answers. where should they go to school? can i drive 12000 miles in ten months just getting them back and forth to school? do i give up on continuing their bilingual education that we have all worked so hard at for the past 6 years? can i justify the nearly $3000 in gas? am i "cut out" to homeschool them? what about the "perfectly fine" school around corner from our house? these questions chased away my sleep for months.

two weeks ago i took a leap of faith, enrolled all four in the charter spanish immersion school, and set my mind to taking on traffic, three freeways and 2 hours in the car daily...just for school! my people rose to the occasion and quickly adjusted to a very different schooling environment than they had ever experienced, complete with roosters (yes, roosters!) and stray dogs running through the school yard. (think we did it. it was settled. and yet my turmoil continued. each night i would cry out to God for His peace regarding this choice. none came. depending on which moment of the day you caught me in, i would have a different answer for what i planned to do next. it ranged from pulling them out and putting them in a new school, homeschooling or just leaving them in the current situation and moving closer to the school. (really!? move? again!?)

one night i had "decided" to attempt homeschooling...the next day i spent no less than 98 minutes (no, i am NOT exaggerating!) trying to "assist" (you could read that as strangle!) one of my sweet darlings into doing their homework. (names omitted to protect the culprits!) that night i cried out to God, "how can i ever homeschool, if i can't stay calm and loving while helping with a bit of homework!??"

God's response..."you can't. but I can." i was flooded with the realization that only God can educate my kids, whether it is through an immersion program, the school around the corner or right here in my home. it has never been me, and it won't be me now. Christ in me, the HOPE of glory. i felt overwhelmed with sweet peace as He spoke to me, bringing me comfort, joy, and finally, REST! whatever choice i made, He was in charge, He was in control, He was their Great teacher. for the first time, i felt free to decide, knowing that He would lead.

as i relaxed into this new peace i began thinking about the past 11 years of our lives. this past decade has taken a HUGE toll on our family. we have literally suffered through years of stress, turmoil, angst, and incredible financial burdens. the weight of putting my husband through medical school, residency and fellowship has left massive cracks in all our hearts. i could hear the Holy Spirit saying, "take this year to heal those cracks, to mend the broken parts, to rest, regroup and be refreshed." this year is a HUGE gift from God to us all! a year of stepping back, out of the school driven rat race of hurrying kids through insanely busy days while being chased some great school clock in the sky. a blessed reprieve. a sweet sabbatical. a (holy)court ordered break!

please know, i did not come to this place lightly, nor am i blind or naive to what homeschooling (my) four children really means. actually, i am scared to death! i know i won't make it through one minute of the day without JESUS! (so if you are reading this, please be praying for us!!) i also know that i don't ever want to live any other way. i have often felt over these past couple years that God is calling us out to something bigger, different than anything we may have ever imagined. i have no idea, yet, what that is, but i believe this is the start. moving to fresno, being forced to leave behind our safe haven of an amazing church community, incredible schooling, and awesome friends that were closer than family has forced us to fall on our knees before His Throne. we have been completely stripped of nearly all that we found comfort in, causing us to seek our comfort from Him, Our Great Comforter! and so with that, we have driven off a huge cliff, in faith, trusting that He will make us SOAR!

(God blessed us with a new(er) mini van for the journey!) :)

educate-ed

its what every kid wants to do...dress up like cowboys and enjoy a good pony party!

(yes, folks, that's right...we attended a pony party...complete with a mini petting zoo and endless pony rides, for a 3 year old! only in LA.)

the very next morning, with straw hats and bandanas still on our minds, we headed into a new world...

school. gone is my five minute walking commute, now it's a 25 minute freeway drive. gone are our familiar classrooms, teachers and beloved friends...our first day was filled with many tears, much anxiety, fears and worries. (i wanted to vomit i was so nervous for them!) imagine what its like helping four kids settle into four different classrooms (where they know NO ONE), all at once, by yourself! yeah...like i said, lots of tears. which is why i took these pics before we left home. :)

our thankful list continues to grow... we are now thankful for a new school, new friends, and having to be the new kid.

God is with us, and He is only and ever good...even in this. (and guess who started kinder!!??!!)

death and new life

i heard it said recently that in order to experience new life, there must first be death.

easier said than done.

but always worth it.

we've been called away from our life in LA to begin again in Fresno...

some of us handled the news better than others. :) July was a blur of saying goodbye, summer camps, packing, moving, finding and then losing a house, unexpectedly storing all our belongings, being homeless for 2 weeks, vagabonding around in our minivan across many miles, cities and friends' floors, and then finally settling into a new place...all in just 26 days! i have no idea how to get all these pictures in order, to make some sense of things, but honestly, that kinda sums up our life right now. out of wack. chaotic. unpacked but undone.

so...as this new chapter of oursweetmess unfolds, we begin again with our endless counting of His gifts...

one last dodgers game (i was cheering for the giants on the inside!)

soaking in the sun at our favorite beach

winning the championship farm league game!

breakfast at the beach!!

last day of fifth grade!

one last early morning run on the beach with a dear, faithful friend

endless playdates with amazing neighbor friends

very first sleep away camp at Hume Lake!!

my brother (a truly amazing man, husband and father)

sleep away camp with gram and papa (and cool cousins!)

adventure days with special friends

dinner at an old favorite burger joint in SF

children's playground in SF...this place holds so many memories for us!

...thanks be to God for His indescribable gifts!!

and so we begin again...trusting in The One Who Knows...praising Him for even the really painful parts, knowing that He is only and ever good... and that we are His, even in Fresno. :)