do over

welcome to our first day of school...take 2! (we are officially homeschoolers!)

i have spent the last several months in turmoil. i am talking about soul crushing, heavy hearted, anxiety ridden anguish. the weight of educating my sweet mess. it was smashing my very spirit. i cried nightly as i prayed to Our Great Father for answers. where should they go to school? can i drive 12000 miles in ten months just getting them back and forth to school? do i give up on continuing their bilingual education that we have all worked so hard at for the past 6 years? can i justify the nearly $3000 in gas? am i "cut out" to homeschool them? what about the "perfectly fine" school around corner from our house? these questions chased away my sleep for months.

two weeks ago i took a leap of faith, enrolled all four in the charter spanish immersion school, and set my mind to taking on traffic, three freeways and 2 hours in the car daily...just for school! my people rose to the occasion and quickly adjusted to a very different schooling environment than they had ever experienced, complete with roosters (yes, roosters!) and stray dogs running through the school yard. (think we did it. it was settled. and yet my turmoil continued. each night i would cry out to God for His peace regarding this choice. none came. depending on which moment of the day you caught me in, i would have a different answer for what i planned to do next. it ranged from pulling them out and putting them in a new school, homeschooling or just leaving them in the current situation and moving closer to the school. (really!? move? again!?)

one night i had "decided" to attempt homeschooling...the next day i spent no less than 98 minutes (no, i am NOT exaggerating!) trying to "assist" (you could read that as strangle!) one of my sweet darlings into doing their homework. (names omitted to protect the culprits!) that night i cried out to God, "how can i ever homeschool, if i can't stay calm and loving while helping with a bit of homework!??"

God's response..."you can't. but I can." i was flooded with the realization that only God can educate my kids, whether it is through an immersion program, the school around the corner or right here in my home. it has never been me, and it won't be me now. Christ in me, the HOPE of glory. i felt overwhelmed with sweet peace as He spoke to me, bringing me comfort, joy, and finally, REST! whatever choice i made, He was in charge, He was in control, He was their Great teacher. for the first time, i felt free to decide, knowing that He would lead.

as i relaxed into this new peace i began thinking about the past 11 years of our lives. this past decade has taken a HUGE toll on our family. we have literally suffered through years of stress, turmoil, angst, and incredible financial burdens. the weight of putting my husband through medical school, residency and fellowship has left massive cracks in all our hearts. i could hear the Holy Spirit saying, "take this year to heal those cracks, to mend the broken parts, to rest, regroup and be refreshed." this year is a HUGE gift from God to us all! a year of stepping back, out of the school driven rat race of hurrying kids through insanely busy days while being chased some great school clock in the sky. a blessed reprieve. a sweet sabbatical. a (holy)court ordered break!

please know, i did not come to this place lightly, nor am i blind or naive to what homeschooling (my) four children really means. actually, i am scared to death! i know i won't make it through one minute of the day without JESUS! (so if you are reading this, please be praying for us!!) i also know that i don't ever want to live any other way. i have often felt over these past couple years that God is calling us out to something bigger, different than anything we may have ever imagined. i have no idea, yet, what that is, but i believe this is the start. moving to fresno, being forced to leave behind our safe haven of an amazing church community, incredible schooling, and awesome friends that were closer than family has forced us to fall on our knees before His Throne. we have been completely stripped of nearly all that we found comfort in, causing us to seek our comfort from Him, Our Great Comforter! and so with that, we have driven off a huge cliff, in faith, trusting that He will make us SOAR!

(God blessed us with a new(er) mini van for the journey!) :)